WELCOME

TO THE

SHEEP FARM

DEAREST LAMB:

This informative booklet is provided to you at No Charge by the GOOD SHEPHERD SHEEP PROTECTION ASSOCIATION, co-founded by FARMER JON and OSCAR MEYER, under the personal direction of the GOOD SHEPHERD. These True Friends of sheeps everywhere have spared no expense to bring you the latest and best information on His Plan for sheeps.

This is your own personal copy. Keep it with you at all times and take good care of it. It contains everything you need to know to have a happy healthy life here on the farm. Study it well. Refer to it frequently. When you prepare to go to Heaven to meet the Good Shepherd in the flesh for the Last Supper, give it back to your Sheep Server, who will guard it and give it to another lucky sheep.

If you have any questions, ask your Sheep Services [SS] representative, who will be glad to assist you. Remember, the Good Shepherd wants you to be happy, healthy, PROUD of your sheep farm, and thankful to the Sheep Protection Association and all of the Sheep Servers who make it possible for you to live in in safety and luxury, with all your needs cared for by professionals who have devoted their lives to caring for sheeps.

We believe this is the best of all possible sheep farms, because it is all according to His Plan. When you understand the beauty and majesty of his plan, you will know it is too.

With Best Wishes,

YOUR Sheep Server,
 
 
 

on behalf of the
Sheep Protection Association,
Founded by Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer,
Under the Personal Direction of
THE GOOD SHEPHERD

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
 

THE "LEGEND" OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD
THE HISTORY OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD SHEEP PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

SHEEP'S RIGHTS:
THE RIGHT TO A FARM, AN EAR TAG, AND A NUMBER
THE RIGHT TO BE ENTERED IN THE GOOD SHEPHERD'S GREAT "BOOK OF LIFE"
THE RIGHT TO EAT EVERY DAY
THE RIGHT TO FREE HAIRCUTS
THE RIGHT TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR
THE RIGHT TO PRAY THE SHEEPS PRAYER EVERY DAY

THE SHEEPS PRAYER
THE PURPOSE OF THE SHEEP PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
WOLFS, FENCES AND SHEEP DOGS
SPECIAL SERVICES FOR BOY SHEEPS
SPECIAL SERVICES FOR GIRL SHEEPS
WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET SICK
DO'S AND DON'T'S OF FARM LIFE

THE "LEGEND" OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD

Since the beginning of time as we know it, the Good Shepherd was the King of Heaven. He loved his sheeps, and it made him happy to see them roaming the huge green meadows of heaven. The bleating of the little lambs made his heart sing. When he came to earth, he was sad to see that there were no sheeps or lambs here. In his infinite and gentle wisdom, he made sheeps and lambs here in the image of those in heaven. Then, of course, he returned to heaven to care for his heavenly flocks.

THE HISTORY OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD
SHEEP PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

Many thousands of years later, when the Good Shepherd King of Heaven returned to earth to see how his flocks here were faring, he was greatly distressed to see the condition of his sheeps. Yes, there were many of them, but it was not like heaven, where the meadows are always green, it never freezes, and the sheeps are always happy.

Here on earth, sheeps lived in the wilderness and slept on the ground all their lives. And always, there was a terrible danger never seen in heaven: WOLFS, huge mean ferocious dogs, four or five times as big as a sheep dog, with long sharp teeth, who bit sheeps on the neck and drank their blood and ATE THEIR FLESH while they were still alive. It was awful. The sheeps lived in misery all their lives, fearing death at any moment from the terrible wolfs. Many sheep mothers watched in horror as their lambies were killed and eaten before their very eyes by the savage wolfs, bleating to their mothers till the very end.

Even if they weren't killed and eaten by the wolfs, their whole lives were miserable. They were too hot in the summer heat, too cold in the winter snow, and too wet in the rain. They were filthy and vermin-infested their entire lives. They suffered from flies, ticks, mange, worms, and countless other afflictions unknown in heaven. Sometimes they had no food, and starved to death. Sometimes they had no water, and died of thirst. For all their generations, they had prayed for a savior to rescue them from their misery, but their prayers had gone unanswered.

The Good Shepherd wept bitter tears when he saw the horrible plight of his gentle lambs, living in the wilderness, constantly pursued by the vicious wolfs. In his infinite wisdom, he saw that the sheeps here on earth needed someone to care for them and protect them, but alas there was no one to do so. There were no sheep farms, no barns, no fences, no sheep dogs, and no Sheep Protection Association.

The King of Heaven saw that only a Sheep Farm run by Good Shepherds could protect his beloved sheeps from harsh and desperate life in the wild. But the Good Shepherd could not stay here on earth to tend his sheeps. There were far too many for one shepherd, and he needed to go back to heaven to tend his flocks there.

So the Good Shepherd searched the entire world to find kind, gentle and loving men to care for his sheeps. Men who would put the welfare of his sheeps above their own comfort and cares. Men who would devote their entire lives to caring for HIS flocks, just as HE would if here were here. And he searched until he found them: honest, gentle, kind and loving men: Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer.

And the Good Shepherd taught them to love sheeps and to care for sheeps, to cure their diseases and protect them from the wolfs. And the Good Shepherd made sheeps dogs, to keep the sheeps from straying, and to help the shepherds protect them from wolfs. And he gave the sheep dogs to the shepherds. And he taught them to build fences and barns, and how to make a sheep farm according to HIS PLAN.

So Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer, Sheep Lovers and Good Shepherds to the entire world, founded the Sheep Protection Association according to the King of Heavens Plan, and started the first sheep farm, where they raised thousands of healthy happy sheeps. They were so joyed to see all their vibrant young lambs and sheeps, they opened more and more farms, until today there are hundreds of sheep farms in the Sheep Protective Association, all according to His Plan.

Some unfortunate misguided sheeps say there is no Good Shepherd, and his Legend is just a myth, but that's not true. We know better. We know there is a Good Shepherd, because Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer know him personally. They tell us of his goodness and his greatness, of his long firm rod that guides and protects his sheeps and keeps them from going astray. The good shepherd taught them everything they know about sheeps, and they do everything according to His Plan. He personally taught them to love sheeps as he himself loves his sheeps in heaven.

And best of all, EVERY sheep will come to know the Good Shepherd personally when they go to Heaven to Meet Their Maker. When the time is right in every sheeps life, the Sheep Protective Association will take him to Heaven to meet the Good Shepherd, and to know him in the flesh at the Last Supper on the Day of Judgment. You will frolic in the eternal green pastures of heaven with all the other sheeps who have gone before you.

But you don't have to wait until you meet him in the flesh to have your own personal relationship with the Good Shepherd. He cares for you now. He watches over you even now through his Sheep Protection Association. He sacrifices for you now. You can see his Presence in his Works. He manifests his love for you now though his Sheep Farm. His Works are the Proof of His Love for YOU. You can care for him now. You can sacrifice for him now.
 

SHEEP'S RIGHTS:

In the name of the Good Shepherd [as he taught us], the Sheep Protection Association [founded and guided by Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer] hereby proclaims the following rights for ALL sheeps, whether wild or already protected by one of our Sheep Farms.  Any wild sheeps my go to ANY Sheep Protection Association Sheep Farm at any time and claim ALL of these rights.  Any sheeps already living on a Sheep Farm already has these rights fully enforced by Sheep Services and should be fully familiar with them.
 

THE RIGHT TO A FARM, AN EAR TAG, AND A NUMBER

Any wild sheep who doesn't have a farm, can go to any Sheep Protection Association Sheep Farm and demand admittance at any time. When he is accepted, he will be given an ear tag and a Sheep Services Number. This is important because you are NOT "just a sheep" to us. You are a unique, special individual. You are different from every other sheep who has ever existed, and your uniqueness is recognized by your very own Sheep Services Number, which no other sheep has ever had, and which no other sheep will ever have. Your number is yours and yours alone for all of eternity. Your number is permanently engraved by Sheep Services on your Ear Tag, so that every sheep and every Sheep Server on the farm will know WHO you are.
 

THE RIGHT TO BE ENTERED IN THE
GOOD SHEPHERD'S GREAT "BOOK OF LIFE"

The Good Shepherd cares about each and every one of his sheeps. He insists that every sheep have his very own unique eternal number. Having your own special Sheep Services Number allows you to be entered in the Great Book of Life. When each sheep is born, Sheep Services records all of his vital information, such as mother and father, sex, date of birth, weight at birth, and Sheep Services Number.

This information is all sent by Sheep Services to Heaven, where the Good Shepherd faithfully records it in his Great Book of Life, under your very own Sheep Services Number. During your life here on the Sheep Farm, every important event in your life is ALSO sent to Heaven, where it is entered in the Book of Life. The Good Shepherd cares about each and every one of his sheeps on every one of his Sheep Farms.

Then, when you arrive in Heaven for the Last Supper on the Day of Judgment, you will be Weighed in the Balance, and the Good Shepherd will reward you according to You're Just Dessert. Without your ear tag and your number, the Good Shepherd would not know who you were, or what Sheep Farm you came from, and could not find the record of Your Life in his Book of Life. He would also not know to which of his many Sheep Farms he should give Credit for raising you to be such a fine and healthy sheep, and sending you to Heaven for the Last Supper with HIM.
 

THE RIGHT TO EAT EVERY DAY

Every sheep has the right to morning fodder and evening fodder each and every day of his life [after he is weaned, of course]. This is so he will not suffer the Hunger Pangs of Nature, and will grow up to be a fine, fat, and healthy sheep.
 

THE RIGHT TO FREE HAIRCUTS

In spite of all the efforts of the Sheep Protection Association, sheep's wool grows thick and fast, and becomes a hot and heavy burden upon the poor sheeps. Every sheep has the right to a free hair cut by Sheep Services when his hair becomes too long, so that he might be cool and comfortable all year round. Some sheeps only need a haircut once a year, while others may need more. No matter how many haircuts a year you need, they will ALWAYS be provided free by Sheep Services upon demand. If YOUR hair is getting to be uncomfortably long, see YOUR Sheep Server for an appointment for a hair cut. They are here to serve you in every way.
 

THE RIGHT TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR

Every sheep has the right to donate his burdensome hair and other unnecessary or unwanted organs to the Donee of his choice, either Farmer Jon or Oscar Meyer, to be disposed of as the Good Shepherd directs. When you are old enough to receive your Permanent Ear Tag, your Sheep Server will ask you whether you want to be a Farmer Jon Sheep or an Oscar Meyer Sheep. You have the absolute right to freely choose which ever one you want, and that choice will be recorded eternally on your ear tag and in the Book of Life. You cannot be penalized in any way for choosing one over the other. It is completely up to you and your conscience as a Good Sheep.
 

THE RIGHT TO PRAY THE SHEEP'S PRAYER EVERY DAY

Every day before morning and evening fodder, all the sheeps gather to pray the Sheeps Prayer. You have an absolute right to pray it twice a day with your fellow sheeps. If you want, you may pray it as many times per day as you like, but Sheep Services only leads a public prayer twice a day. When you go to Heaven, you will have one chance only to pray the Sheeps Prayer directly to the Good Shepherd in order to gain acceptance of your eternal reward. So learn it well and practice it often! Here is the text:
 

THE SHEEPS PRAYER

Good Shepherd,
Which Art in Heaven,
Praised by Thy Name,
Thy Sheep Farm Come,
Thy will be done,
On Earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day,
Our Daily Fodder,
And forgive us our Ignorance,
As we forgive the Evil Wolfs,
Who want to eat us.
Lead us not into the Wilderness,
But Deliver us from Nature,
For Thine is the Sheep Farm,
And the Sheep Protection Association,
For ever and ever.
Yea!, Though I Graze in the Valley,
Of the Shadow of Death,
I will fear no Evil Wolfs,
For the Lord of Heaven,
Is my Good Shepherd,
And he Watcheth over me,
All the Days of My Life.
His Rod and His Staff,
They comfort me.
He maketh green pastures,
For me to Lie Down in.
He leadeth me to eat fresh fodder,
And to drink cool pure water.
He heals my sickness,
And teacheth me His Way.
Let me be Worthy of His Love.
Let me Weigh Heavily in His Balance.
Let me fulfill MY PART in HIS PLAN.
Let the Sheep Protection Association
Take me to Heaven at the appointed time,
To Meet My Maker In the Flesh,
At the Last Supper, on Judgment Day,
That I may be Loved and Judged,
According to HIS WILL.
This is MY PRAYER,
Please let it be Answered,
By the GOOD SHEPHERD:
Your Humble and Obedient Sheep

{baaaaaaa your Sheep Services Number here}

Amen.

THE PURPOSE OF THE SHEEP PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

The purpose of the Sheep Protection Association is to raise as many fat, happy, healthy sheeps as possible, and to send them to Heaven to be with the Good Shepherd for the Last Supper on the Day of Judgment. To do this, they must feed them, keep them healthy, and above all else, protect them from the Evil Wolfs who want to eat them.
 

WOLFS, FENCES AND SHEEP DOGS

Though you have probably never seen one, the Evil Wolfs are out there, hungering to eat your flesh. To protect you from these savage beasts, your Sheep Farm is surrounded by a high chain link fence. On the top of the fence is extremely sharp razor wire, and attached to this is a powerful electric generator. If you should brush against the fence, you will receive a strong electric shock, so be very careful of the fences. Remember, they have been constructed at great time and expense of the finest materials for YOUR SAFETY AND PROTECTION. Without them, the wolfs would be free to roam the pastures of the Sheep Farm, killing and eating sheeps at will.

As a further measure of protection, the Good Shepherd has provided the Sheep Protection Association with Sheep Dogs. Although they may nip at your heels from time to time, they are here only for your safety and protection. If an Evil Wolf should get onto the farm, the Sheep Dogs will attack it and kill it before it gets to you. They will help keep you out of trouble, and herd you where your Sheep Server wants you to go for your own good. Should you receive a little nip from a sheep dog, just think how much worse it would be if an Evil Wolf ripped out your throat with his razor sharp fangs, and thank the Good Shepherd for making Sheep Dogs a part of His Plan. Always obey the Sheep Dogs immediately when they tell you where to go, and they will not be forced to nip at your heels. Remember, they Sheep Dogs don't Want to nip you, but they will if they must for your own good. If you do get nipped a bit by a sheep dog, it is only because you did not obey their properly authorized commands, as ordained by the Good Shepherd.
 

SPECIAL SERVICES FOR BOY SHEEPS

As even the little lambs know, boy sheeps are born with two little organs, called testicles, hanging down below their tails. Though they are silly and ugly, bouncing around when the boy sheeps run, they do no harm at first. However, if nothing is done about them, as the boy sheeps grow up, these testicles undergo a terrible change. As though infected with cancer, they grow larger and larger, swelling up like pustulous carbuncles. And as they grow, they cause many problems for the boy sheeps. Their beautiful soprano voices, which so delight their mothers, break up and turn into low rumbling growls which frighten the other sheeps. These and other changes cause a terrible physical and emotional crisis in the boy sheeps, severely marring their adolescent years, and causing bizarre and disturbing behavior which ruins the tranquillity and order of the herd.

In nature, of course, there is no one to help the boy sheeps, so they must all undergo this frightening and terrible change.

Thanks to the Good Shepherd, however, here on the Sheep Farm, boy sheeps generally do not have to suffer this terrible indignity. The Good Shepherd has devised a special operation which Neutralizes the horrible effects of this change on boy sheeps by removing the organs before they become inflamed. Because if it's Neutralizing effect, it is called "Neutering," and the Good Shepherd himself personally taught both Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer how to do it. They in turn taught all of the Sheep Servers. The operation itself is performed under anesthetic and so is completely painless, though there may be some discomfort for a few days afterward. This is a small price to pay for keeping your beautiful soprano voice, and maintaining the tranquillity of the herd, however.

A few of the boy sheeps are determined by the Sheep Servers not to be suitable for this operation. To preserve the tranquillity of the herd, and to spare them the shame and indignity of their friends and relatives hearing their ugly rumbling voices and seeing their swollen and inflamed testicles, they are taken to the rutting barns where they are kept separate from the other sheeps. Though this is a heavy burden for them to bear, it is all part of the Good Shepherd's Plan, and they are rewarded for their suffering with their very own Private Pens and Extra Fodder. If you are chosen to make this sacrifice, do not despair. Your contributions will be faithfully recorded in the Book of Life, and you will be rewarded for your suffering by both Special Treats here on the Sheep Farm, and Special Recognition by the Good Shepherd when you go to Heaven. Your services here may delay your entry to Heaven by an extra year or two, but you will be specially received by the Good Shepherd when you do arrive, and then you will graze eternally in the heavenly pastures with all the sheeps who have gone before you. It is all part of His Plan.

SPECIAL SERVICES FOR GIRL SHEEPS

Though girl sheeps do not have testicles to swell up and make them go crazy, when they grow up they occasionally suffer from bleeding below their tails and a terrible fever which causes them to have uncontrollable emotions and to behave bizarrely or even violently. To preserve the tranquillity of the herd, when they start to suffer from this malady they are placed in the rutting barns until they return to normal.
 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET SICK

The Good Shepherd wants every sheep to come to Heaven.  The thought of any of his sheeps getting sick and dying on the farm before their appointed trip to Heaven is very disturbing to him.  If you get sick, immediately tell your Sheep Server.  He will arrange for expert medical attention from our fully qualified veterinarians who are on call 24 hours per day.   In the rare event that our medical staff is unable to cure your illness, your Sheep Server will try to arrange for a Special trip to Heaven for you to meet the Good Shepherd before you die.
 

DO'S AND DON'TS OF FARM LIFE

This is just about all you need to know to have a happy healthy life here.  Always obey the sheep dogs and the Sheep Servers.  If you have any question, concern, or problem, immediately tell your Sheep Server and he will take care of it right away.  Don't worry, be happy, enjoy your life here, and remember:
A Fat Sheep is a Happy Sheep, and
WE LOVE YOU!

Sincerely,




Farmer Jon and Oscar Meyer
for, THE GOOD SHEPHERD