POLITICS AS USUAL

POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO "NEW AGE" COMMUNITY TERMS AND CONCEPTS:  

Perhaps you are confused by all the terms, abbreviations and "politically correct" concepts that you see in community ads.  Here is a brief explanation of some common new age politically correct terms to help clear things up and make the posters' meta-messages perfectly clear and understandable.

NS = NO SMOKING
We don't tolerate those tobacco addicts.  [Or those hateful herbal hippies.]

ND = NO DRUGS
We don't tolerate those drug addicts.  [Unless their drugs are doctor-approved, of course.  However, if you pay off a doctor, you can take any poisonous addictive deadly substance you want.]

NA = NO ALCOHOL
What do you think that means?  No alcohol!  If you're Catholic, no wine for communion.  Prohibition proved that alcohol causes violent behavior, and we don't tolerate that.

NON-VIOLENCE =
We let our kids do whatever they want.  If they are bad we TALK to them, very nicely.   When they do whatever they want, we admire their independence.  If our teen-age boys get into gangs and violence, we talk to them sincerely and sensitively, and invite them to counselling.  When they kill their friends at school, we let the sheriff handle it.  NO violence is ever appropriate, so when our diligent omittance makes it absolutely necessary, we let someone else who is not so spiritually and psychically advanced and attuned as we are commit it.

NO GUNS =
We don't care if people round us up or shoot at us.  That's THEIR bad karma.   We'd rather DIE than resist evil or shoot back.  After all, Ghandi PROVED that Hindus and Muslims can live peacefully together in one country and don't need wars or nuclear weapons, didn't he!

VEGETARIAN =
We know it's BAD to kill and eat other animals.  NO other animal but man eats flesh.   That proves it's ABSOLUTELY NOT part of nature's plan.  We are going to open a shelter for animal refugees.  We'll take in a few cows and a pig or two and keep them in the garage and the back bedroom.  We can park the car out in the snow.   Really, it's not problem.  We might even turn some loose to be Holy Cow!s and graze the freeways and downtowns, like in India.  Maybe we'll get them a government entitlement program, so every cow can have a credit card and check into a motel at night.   The taxpayers won't mind.  Every homeless person can have a cow to keep them warm at night.  We don't have any problem feeding the hundreds of thousands of homeless people, so a few hundred million homeless animals shouldn't be a problem.   Or maybe we can outlaw fences and killing cows/buffalo, and restore the vast herds of millions of animals wandering freely throughout the country, like 500 years ago.   Or maybe we'll just decide that, since we no longer eat them, we don't need them any more, and then there WON'T BE ANY cows, pigs, sheep, or chickens.  Then they won't SUFFER!   When the LAST one dies, we'll throw a big party, because they will NEVER be oppressed and exploited again!

NO PETS =
We all know it's EVIL to OWN another life form.  So having dogs or cats is immoral and an affront to god and we won't tolerate this injustice.  We are going to take ALL our pets down to the pound and have them vacuum-exploded to death, and their bloody carcasses sold to animal feed companies, so the old people on social security can afford to eat.  Then there won't be any more pets for vile people to abuse.  Alternatively, we could just turn them loose in the woods, so they can starve to death or someone else can shoot them, poison them, or call the pound.   We LOVE them, so we CAN'T OWN THEM!  We CAN'T violate their RIGHTS by making SLAVES out of them!

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE =
We LOVE people UNCONDITIONALLY, [unless, of course, they aren't politically correct and tolerant, like us, and deliberately violate our precious divinely ordained unconditional love manifesto!]

DIVERSITY =
It's BAD for a bunch of people with common interests and backgrounds to get together for anything.  Anyone who likes to hang out with people he agrees with and gets along with is selfish and reactionary, and desperateldy needs re-education.  Only by living with people who hate us and despise and trash everything we stand for can we truly understand their problems and LOVE them.

RACIAL DIVERSITY =
We'll try to get one of everything.  If our group gets big enough, we'll double or triple up on some.  Every child needs multi-racial parentage, like OJ's kids, so they can appreciate many cultures.  It's important NOT to identify with any well-established group.  Then you can be a citizen of the world and identify with all the social outcasts and mixed-up people who don't fit in anywhere!

RELIGIOUS DIVERSITY =
We want our family to worship everything.  It's SO boring if everyone has the same beliefs, morals, sabbath, holidays, rituals and so forth.  Why would we want to all worship at the same time in the same way?  Where is the challenge in that?  What would we argue about?  We need some of everything!  We need a Moslem to perform ritual genital mutilation on the girls, a Jew to perform ritual genital mutilation on the boys, a naked Pagan to bless the mutilation rituals and drink the victims' blood during the full moon [and maybe even "recycle" the chopped-off clits, lips, and cock parts], a Christian to forgive everyone for their not-very-original sins, and a Buddhist to meditate upon the divine madness and insanity of life in Maya without the bright guiding light of multi-culturalism.

SEXUAL DIVERSITY =
ANYTHING is fine, UNLESS you are a heterosexual.  If you pretend to be one of those, you are obviously either in the closet or in latent denial.  We don't want anyone so out of touch with their REAL feelings.  You MIGHT be accepted if you attend a mandatory SENSITIVITY workshop.

TOLERANCE =
We tolerate everyone who agrees with us.  All others are obviously intolerant reactionaries.  Those who don't pro-actively practice diversity in ALL its forms are clearly especially intolerant bigots.  Our commitment to tolerance and diversity compels us to censor those who disagree with us.  This is not hypocritical at all, but a SINCERE committment to political correctness, just like bombing for peace!

PURITY =
Only the pure need apply.  All others will mess up our delicate spiritual trip with their bad vibes.

MULTI-CULTURAL =
YOUR culture is BAD.  You should get a new one.  In fact, you should get a whole BUNCH of new ones.  Only that way can you be really happy.  You don't even know what you are missing!

SENSITIVITY =
Your problems are irrelevant.  The problems others cause you are irrelevant.   You're simply not trying to understand their inner needs, and the fact that they are VICTIMS of oppression [probably by you], and everything bad they do is caused by either society or by you, and is actually good, because it is both a cry for help and a political protest all wrapped up together.  They CAN'T be sensitive to you, because you are NOT WILLING to be sensitive to their problems.  You need "sensitivity training."

FEMINIST =
Evil oppressor men cause all the problems of women.  We MUST discriminate against men because of all the BAD things they do to poor helpless powerless disenfranchised women.   Women who love men and doen't see themselves as victims have obviously been brain-damaged by evil male culture and are in denial about their true status.  They need to be liberated from their foolish delusions by a large angry butch-dyke with a black leathers, tatoos and piercings, a bad attitude and a huge dildo.

I've probably left out a large number of vital concepts.  Feel free to expand or update my list.